I think I like someone
Two new girls came to church in Melbourne today, and attended my youth fellowship meeting. We met a nonya restaurant deep in the suburbs. What a great place to meet fresh, untainted malaysians from the homeland.
So it turned out they were sisters, and the younger of the two, M, has only been around for about 3 weeks and is going to high school, if I heard correctly. What a face! Her smile just lights up the room. She shares some of her elder sibling's gregariousness, but also has a subtle gentleness to it which I find quite a rarity these days. Here comes my problem: I am too fractured and scarred from past social experiences here to be able to expect anything good to come from my efforts now. Despite me acting like a total jackass (what with my total anti-socialness and queer, unfriendly exterior), she actually made some efforts to talk to me the following Sunday, and nothing melts me faster than someone reaching out to me.
I dunno, it just might be the 2 year double X chromosome drought I've been suffering, yet I find it unavoidable to hope for more. It would be more than glorious just to be friends with her...but church culture will make it hard. The sexual segregation there eats into me and has slowly sowed resentment in the back of my mind over the last painful 24 months or so. It's just that boys just aren't expected to understand girls and vice versa. Only just now did I recieve a email from our youth group leader...asking another girl to follow up with the sisters, make sure they're comfortable, etc. Why can't a guy do that? Is he just unable or incompetent when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex?
Help me someone...this "like" is just poisoning me, just resurfacing deep-seated feelings of resentment, hate and anger at the society that bears down on me, restricting me from doing anything that is characteristically me. I'm losing myself from not being able to be myself...the feeling is unlike any other...a mixture of despair, suffocation and fatigue.
My trip back to KL was well on its way to mending me back...I began to feel alive again, happy, *content*...but being here and only in my 3rd week back is quickly shredding my friends' painstaking handiwork...
I am going to ask for her friendster/MSN at the church CNY celebration this weekend. Don't expect me to be able to make it work in church...it's just too complicated and compounded by infernal norms. Hopefully we can be great friends from online, and that I can be a great source of comfort/care. I haven't cared for anyone for too long...
dirtee1
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But I loved your comment because you totally described my dilemma, as in, you = kindred spirit. Are we being too hard on ourselves? Or is there something else we're so unsatisfied about, which we can't figure out, and therefore end up channelling the dissatisfaction back at ourselves?
The way I figure it, we are both just somehow unhappy with our lives, and itching to do something about it, but not being able to. All that pent-up frustration and energy just jumps out every time something isn't absolutely perfect, simply because we are constantly aware of our situation, that we aren't HAPPY yet, even though we are constantly HUNGERING to be.
I hope we will both find our way out of the gloom eventually, when we are able to take more control of our lives. Current restraints like not having the paper qualification, not having enough money, a sense of responsibility in other areas, and low self-confidence in our own abilities--I hope that one day, we will both just look around and realize, that these problems have steadily eroded, and that we are finally fulfilled.
More than ever, I hope that we will both be proud of the way we have achieved all of that. Without stepping over others as others have stepped over us. Without turning to chemical inebriation. All the while honouring our dignity, our loved ones, and the future we have reserved for the better ones we meet in our life.
I told you in that email that you were the kind of person who treasured his friends dearly, but you also have to be wary of friends who, because they are going through changes both temporary and permanent, may not be such great friends anymore. We do what we can for them, but I have learned that when all that could be done, has been done, and nothing changes for the better, I don't have to feel sorry for the friendship(s) lost.
Because that would only mean I have more time and emotions for more deserving friends, like Jenny and my family.
As for the emails, sure, if you have anything to say, you can contact me anytime. But with the email address above--my gmail. And, is there really such a thing as close-ended advice?