2 posts from February 2007

Two new girls came to church in Melbourne today, and attended my youth fellowship meeting. We met a nonya restaurant deep in the suburbs. What a great place to meet fresh, untainted malaysians from the homeland.

  So it turned out they were sisters, and the younger of the two, M, has only been around for about 3 weeks and is going to high school, if I heard correctly. What a face! Her smile just lights up the room. She shares some of her elder sibling's gregariousness, but also has a subtle gentleness to it which I find quite a rarity these days. Here comes my problem: I am too fractured and scarred from past social experiences here to be able to expect anything good to come from my efforts now. Despite me acting like a total jackass (what with my total anti-socialness and queer, unfriendly exterior), she actually made some efforts to talk to me the following Sunday, and nothing melts me faster than someone reaching out to me.

  I dunno, it just might be the 2 year double X chromosome drought I've been suffering, yet I find it unavoidable to hope for more. It would be more than glorious just to be friends with her...but church culture will make it hard. The sexual segregation there eats into me and has slowly sowed resentment in the back of my mind over the last painful 24 months or so. It's just that boys just aren't expected to understand girls and vice versa. Only just now did I recieve a email from our youth group leader...asking another girl to follow up with the sisters, make sure they're comfortable, etc. Why can't a guy do that? Is he just unable or incompetent when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex?

  Help me someone...this "like" is just poisoning me, just resurfacing deep-seated feelings of resentment, hate and anger at the society that bears down on me, restricting me from doing anything that is characteristically me. I'm losing myself from not being able to be myself...the feeling is unlike any other...a mixture of despair, suffocation and fatigue.

  My trip back to KL was well on its way to mending me back...I began to feel alive again, happy, *content*...but being here and only in my 3rd week back is quickly shredding my friends' painstaking handiwork...

  I am going to ask for her friendster/MSN at the church CNY celebration this weekend. Don't expect me to be able to make it work in church...it's just too complicated and compounded by infernal norms. Hopefully we can be great friends from online, and that I can be a great source of comfort/care. I haven't cared for anyone for too long...

dirtee1

Ever since my first memory I pondered the stubborness and smugness of grown-ups in their beliefs and their ability to judge others. I just had an epiphany.

It is because they don't use their brains to their fullest potential anymore.

Let it get lazy.

And in order to be lazy, it uses past memories to measure present situations instead of actively examining them.

Resulting in the judgemental, stubborn fucktards we call adults.

dirtee1